I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
