when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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