I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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