I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
