It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
