That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
