I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
