R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
