you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
