he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
