It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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