I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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