Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
