someone threw a dead crab at me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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