at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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