By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i will never coherently bang her
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
