my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
