Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
