True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish you could order shots online.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
