Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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