ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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