wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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