I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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