Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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