I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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