i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
