Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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