We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
