My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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