i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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