i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
