my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
