im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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