party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
