I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Randomize
