Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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