I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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