my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
