Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
