Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
