dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
