cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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