watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
