He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
