im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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