That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
