I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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