Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
