theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
