PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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