how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my vagina is haunted
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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