The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
