You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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