i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
